Am I Asian? Or the secret wish #23andme

I’ve been asked ‘Where are you from?’ more times than I can count. Really they were asking, “You look foreign. Are you Asian/Chinese?’ I’ve always had 2 standard answers, “I have no idea. I’m adopted,” and if I felt sarcastic – ‘Dallas.’

Every time someone asked, my heart would squeeze a little. I was afraid too afraid to admit- I wanted to know where I belonged. For 30+ years I’ve longed to know why my top eyelids curve more than the average American. I’ve wanted there to be a reason why my hair is jet black and my eyes are dark brown. I didn’t want it to be random.

My desire manifested itself throughout my life. In middle school Biology I was obsessed with Punnett Squares – the little diagrams that determine what the chances of a child inheriting a trait or gene. My birth mother had dark blonde/light brown hair, so I knew my biological father likely carried the dark hair gene in order for me to turn out the way I did.

I also made a game of deciding if people looked more like their moms or their dads. When I first met my in-laws I was blown away by how much my husband’s siblings looked alike. My now siblings have entertained my discussions of their looks for over 9 years.

I’ve also been drawn to Asian characters in pop culture my entire life. For example, when they were younger, most girls probably identified with Kimberly, the Pink Power Ranger. I was instead drawn to Trini, played by Vietnamese actress Thuy Trang. I thought she was beautiful and strong. There are plenty of examples beyond that, and it would mean a lot to me if I had a deeper connection to it than just enjoying the culture.

So – I finally decided it was time. After seeing some of my favorite YouTube personalities receive their #23andme results (here’s looking to you Jen Ruggirello and Eugene Lee Yang, (both of whom are of Asian descent), I took the plunge. My heart is racing just thinking about it. In just a short month I will finally know where I am from.

I so desperately want to be Asian, and to believe that one of the biggest desires of my heart could come true, but why admit it before I see the results? What if they come back completely different? I’m tired of waiting – and maybe you’re tired of waiting for something as well. We all have a hope we’re carrying around in our back pocket, and it’s time to let that dream breathe.